Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Showdown With The Home Gestapo and Lost In Missouri















Freedom Hall Show Ring (photo by Liz Shatner)


It's been a long twelve days. A week ago Saturday we loaded up Mary and headed to Louisville for our yearly adventure at the Kentucky State Fair World's Championship Horse Show. We had our reservation for Mary at the KOA in Clarksville, Indiana and the menus planned for the suite in Freedom Hall. We looked forward to spending the week with friends, both local and from all over the country.

We had a reservation at the now infamous Porcini in Louisville for out annual Saturday-before-the-show dinner with Donnie and Phyllis Brookshire. If you don't know why the restaurant is infamous and are curious, just Google, "Rick Pitino, Porcini". It was a great meal, a great time and we had a great week. Congratulations to everyone who had great rides and won great ribbons! Especially to Tre and Emily Lee, who had a awesome week, and to the Brookshires and Gendrons, who had a super week as well!

We returned home with Mary on Sunday afternoon, tired and ready to get her unloaded and have a good night of rest. Normally we are home for a couple of weeks after the week in Louisville, and have time to recover and organize for our long fall trip in Mary, but this year John is judging the Mid America horse show in Kansas City beginning on the 1st so we planned on leaving on Wednesday. Essentially that gave us two days to get Mary cleaned up and get her packed for a two-month long trip. We discussed the logistics and decided to break the homeowners association rules (yes, we knew we were breaking the rules) by leaving her at the complex, in the guest parking space, until we left. The other option was to take her out to the farm, where she normally lives, for one day and then bring her back. Ridiculous. John said, "We are going to piss someone off." I said, "Too damn bad. There are people here breaking rules left and right and I don't see anyone doing anything about it." So it was decided.

The guest parking lot is out the back door and down a small hill from our unit. It is very convenient for us to be able to load and unload her from that space. Hardly anyone uses the space. Visitors are few on that side of the complex (and now I know why) and most visitors park in the driveways of the people they are visiting anyway. So we went on about unloading, cleaning, stocking her with food, and filling her with our clothes and things.

We went out to eat for lunch and dinner for two days and ran non-stop, like two crazy people to get everything done and get the condo ready to close up. We were on our way to dinner on Monday night and had just come around the corner where Mary was parked when we saw an older man with white hair, and a red bandanna tied around his head, leading a big white dog. He was waving us down with what I would describe as a stressed and angry expression. John stopped and rolled down his window. The guy waves his hand at the coach and demands to know if we have guests staying in "that".

Please start this You Tube video and then continue to read the blog post. Thank you.

John said no, and explained that it belongs to us. Then the man shouts at us (do people really think we are deaf?), "YOU CAN'T LEAVE THAT HERE OVERNIGHT!" John says, "Yes, we can." The man was obviously unhappy with that answer. He informed the man that the rules say it can be there for 24 hours. There was more back and forth about the rules being broken, and threats about fines and attorneys. We were both tired and short fused, and the man was getting belligerent. He hollers, "WE'RE GOING TO FINE YOU!" I hollered, "JUST KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!" John (who slightly shocked by my outburst) said, "You know buddy, you really need to get a job. You don't have enough to do." He hollered at John, "YOU'RE A NICE GUY!!!" and John hollered back, "WELL SO ARE YOU!!!" Then the guy turned and shouted over his shoulder, "OH GO TO HELL!" and stormed off.

We were both stunned. And then we were steamed. We went to dinner and I called one of our neighbors to find out who the hell that jerk was. She didn't know. Then I decided to visit the neighborhood-know-everything-and-everyone, who lives across the street from where Mary was parked. I marched across the street and rang her doorbell. I waited and waited and finally she opened the door. I said, "Can you tell me who the guy is with the white..." She cut me off and said, "Elrod" and backed up two steps like she was going to shut the door. I asked if that was the first name (seemed appropriate) she said, "No, Bob. He's on the Board." She's talking about the blessed group of individuals who make up the Home Owner's' Association (the real Gestapo). She had the expression of a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar. I thanked her and marched back across the street, thinking that was an odd encounter. Turns out she was the biggest duck in the puddle. Not a huge shock but a disappointment to be sure.

John asked me for the HOA president's name and phone number so I looked it up and he called him. He is a very nice man, and John apologized for breaking the rules, and causing him any grief, but also told him that being cussed by a board member in the middle of the street didn't seem appropriate in any way. The nice man agreed, he told us it was okay to leave the coach until Wednesday, that we would receive a letter from the HOA regarding the matter. John said they would be getting a letter back, and then they hung up.

After putting in a restless night we dragged ourselves out of bed and hit the floor running again. Another neighbor came to the door about 10:00 and we chatted for awhile. Apparently the entire neighborhood was buzzing about the coach and the incident with Board Member Elrod. She and her husband are very nice people and she just couldn't understand what the big deal was. My speculation is the same as John's; people really need more to do than to have a fit about looking at a luxury motor coach for two days. If we had parked an old junker car there and left cigarette butts and beer bottles piled in the guest parking space I would have understood the fuss. But I don't get this. The phrase "Get A Life" seems to fit.

After this we will bring her in, park all 50,000 pounds of her on the concrete driveway (technically that's where she is supposed to be for up to 24 hours) and let them deal with the damage to the driveway if she breaks down the concrete. I swear.

So Wednesday morning, before dawn, we fired Mary up and hit the road. We debated laying hard on the air horn as a farewell to the 'hood, but decided there were several nice people who didn't deserve to be rocked out of bed before the sun came up. Our destination was Virgil and Sandra Helm's farm in New Bloomfield, Missouri.

If you've read my prior posts you know how I feel about Missouri. It is a beautiful state but there is some kind of bad karma between me and Missouri. But there are some great people (like the Helm's) and several horse shows there so we have to go every now and again. I have a hard time looking forward to it, based on my history with Missouri.

We were motoring along, enjoying finally being on the road again. The day was pleasant and as we traveled north the weather began to cool off. We've had a brutal, humid summer in Kentucky so the cool air was so welcome. When we got close to Virgil's farm John called him to refresh his memory about the best way to get into the farm with the bus. He got the directions and told me to keep my eye peeled for Road BB. Check. We found Road BB and made a left on the narrow road.

We drove in the country past neat little places and pretty big farms, long horn cattle, a field full of goats (Ransom took special notice), big round bales of hay, hills and valleys, and ... John says, "I know it seems like we've gone 20 miles but I know it's only been 5 or 6 miles." I was thinking that it was more like 20 but I nodded, knowing that when you are looking for something it always seems to take longer than it really does. So we passed more farms, and houses, dogs, a few horses grazing, a few more hills and a few more valleys, three or four big redneck four wheel drives going 70 miles per hour, and John says, "I don't know. Maybe we passed it." I looked at the narrow road with no shoulders and thought to myself, "How in God's name will we ever turn this mother around if we are lost?" We kept driving. I tried to remember the address that I put on Helm's Christmas card. All I knew was that it wasn't Road BB. I slumped in my seat, creating disaster scenarios in my mind.

John called Virgil again. He explained how far we had gone and Virgil told him that when we turned on Road BB we were supposed to take an immediate right on Highway 54. That was the address on the Christmas card! I heard near panic in John's voice when he said, "Virgil, I don't know where I can turn this thing around." We drove on. And on. And on. John kept repeating, "I don't know where we are going to turn this around," between huge sighs. I thought that 150 gallon fuel tank was the best invention ever.

Finally we spotted a wide gravel driveway on the left side of the road. We determined that the car was going to have to be unhooked (can't back the bus with the car attached) so that was the first chore. It was sprinkling. I moved it as far to the side of the driveway as I could get it so I could help John back the bus out into the narrow road. I was wildly waving my arms, watching a blind curve to the right of us, in case a four wheel drive redneck truck came barreling around the corner (during this endeavor we both imagined hearing dueling banjos). Before he was as far as he could go he stopped. I heard his voice over the roar of the diesel engine but couldn't understand him. I wave him back again but he doesn't move. Sprinkles turn to rain. I'm pissed off. I march up to the driver's window. The bus is blocking the road and I can't see if the imagined four wheel drive redneck truck is going to bury itself into Mary's side. John hollers, "I can't get past the car!" I look. It's in the way. I run for the car, move it up ten feet, so now it is sticking out in the road, and by the time I get back out of the car I see that he didn't wait for me and has backed Mary to the point where the tag axle is hanging over the ditch. Two more feet and she is going to be stuck permanently across the road. "Stop!" I holler in total exasperation. I blew a gasket, threw my hands up in the air, got in the car and drove off.

In the rear view mirror I watch him pull Mary up and then straighten her on the correct side of the road. And then I realize that I have no clue where I'm going. I drove until I could pull over and let him by. He blew by me going so fast that I had to floor board the car to catch up. We made a hard turn to the left, and when I looked in the rear view mirror of the Camry I saw the bicycles tilt so far to left that I could see the front tires standing straight up. "SHIT!" I hollered (to no one but myself). The bike rack had come loose and if I didn't slow down I was going to dump the bikes in the road.

These bikes are those Landrider bikes that we suckered into on a TV infomercial, one rainy day when we couldn't get outside. They have automatic shift on them and are supposed to be easy to ride. Not really. They are also really expensive (as these kinds of bikes go). So I slowed down. Thankfully so did John. My left turns for the next 15 miles were carefully navigated until we finally arrived at Virgil and Sandy's place. I got out and Virgil says, "Gee Karen, did you get wet?" I looked like a drowned rat. John and I looked at each other and cracked up laughing. I looked at the bike rack and it was hanging on by one hook. It really is a miracle that they weren't scattered from hell to breakfast somewhere in Missouri.

We went to dinner with Sandy and Virgil and had a great time. And we slept with the windows open in the coach. Wonderful. Today we went to breakfast and then Virgil took John and I out to see some horses "out in the country". Holy cow. We drove for an hour out into an Amish and Mennonite community, to a nice man's Saddlebred farm. The countryside is gorgeous. We looked at some nice horses and then drove back to Virgil's place so that we could get on the road and get to Longview Park in Kansas City. We had a reservation at the campground by the lake for Mary for three nights so John can judge his show. The weather was still off and on rainy and we tootled along enjoying the day. Ransom sat with me in my navigator's chair and Breezy tucked in behind John's seat.

We were doing great but when we got close I realized that I didn't have, and couldn't find, an exact address for the campground. I put the address of the parks and recreation department in the GPS which I figured would get us close. We got on I-470 and off at exit 5. It was raining pretty hard. The big wipers that clear the rain off of Mary's giant windshield were slowly rocking back and forth. The GPS (Genius) wanted us to turn right on 109th Avenue. So we did. We were lost. Again. We drove and drove until we were on a road that was heading into a residential neighborhood. John stopped twice while we had heated discussions about what to do. "You can't sit here in the road," I said. "We have to go even if it is the wrong way." He sighed, again, and again. Finally we just drove until we found a big church parking lot to turn around in. Once she was turned around I said, "Please stop here and don't move an inch until I get some directions to this place." Not one to want to sit still at any time, anywhere, it was a request that was granted begrudgingly.

I finally found a phone number for the campground and got this grouchy woman who made me feel like an idiot (which I can definitely be sometimes). I hung up and stormed back to the front, plunked myself in my seat and said, "We have to go back to where we turned off." John sighed again. The rain came pelting down and the wind was blowing hard. We're both stressed out to the max. The windshield wipers made a slow, half swipe, and they quit. Dead. No wipers. "Oh perfect," I said. "What comes next." I was thinking that Missouri was again treating me the way Murphy usually does.

We were both quiet for awhile studying the road hard between raindrops. We made the turn onto the main road and followed the signs to the campground, like the grouchy old woman said to. We drove, and drove, and drove some more. We kept seeing the little tent on the brown sign, pointing to the campground but it was becoming more and more like Road BB.

John and I read "Younger Next Year" recently (highly recommend) and have become believers in the science behind exercise being what will keep us healthy and happy into our later years. So we have been diligent about working out. We belong to Snap Fitness and they have clubs everywhere, plus we have weights and workout DVDs in the coach. Earlier we were talking about going to Snap to work out once we get set up here in Longview. As we drove, without benefit of windshield wipers, and unsure that we were not going to end up unhooking the car and having a melt down in the road again, I looked at him and said, "I'm not going to Snap tonight." He said, "Two seconds before you said that I thought the same thing. I'm having a scotch" We both fell into a fit of laughter. After what seemed like 50 miles we happened into this beautiful campground, which is nearly deserted. It's quiet and the weather is supposed to be perfect for the next two days, in the 70's and sunny. We actually didn't get into the scotch tonight and we will hit the gym tomorrow.

I'll get my camera out and start taking photos to post. I have to get back into the swing of traveling in Mary now. It's great. We both just love it. When we leave here we are headed to New Mexico for some time in Santa Fe and Taos. We are going to the canyon country of Utah, the Redwoods of California and Crater Lake in Oregon. We'll spend some time in Springfield with Arcuris, see my family, and head to the horse show in Las Vegas in October. From there we'll go to the Scottsdale show at the end of the month and then home again!

The book is still on track. The only thing left is for me to get an author's proof (a real book!), approve it, and then it will be available. Just another two to three weeks! I'll keep you posted!



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